Clear is kind. It is the opposite of hinting and hoping. People aren’t mind readers. We all interpret things differently. Expecting someone to intuitively know what you are thinking or how you feel is unfair, not to mention unrealistic.

In a healthy relationship, you should have the freedom to ask for things you need or want. So, say what’s on your mind. If you need help, be vulnerable and brave enough to say so. If something’s not working have the courage to speak up and be honest.

If you’d like someone to show up differently, tell them what “different” looks like and then ask them if they’re willing to change. Take responsibility for being clear without complaining or criticizing.

Playing it safe will keep you out of harm’s way. If you’re careful, cautious, and reluctant to take risks, it’s unlikely you’ll die on Mt. Everest or in shark-infested waters.

You may not upset your boss or a client for blowing $100,000 on a failed project. You’ll never make your co-workers uncomfortable by revealing the thousand-pound elephant in the room.

Playing it safe protects you from risks like this, but you’re likely to miss the adventure. Safe is highly overrated. Adventure calls you to choose courage, freedom and autonomy instead of safety and control. Dare to “Put yourself out there.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“God has a plan.”

“It is what it is.”

We get it, these are things people say when they don’t know what to say. But all three are statements of resignation. They are symbolic of a weak, reactive posture. They might be backed with good intention, but they are meaningless and unhelpful. If you want to live a big life, jettison them from your vocabulary.

Everything does not happen for a reason. A young family is killed by a drunk driver on Christmas Eve. A teenage girl is sold on the black market as a sex slave. A guy walks into the kitchen and out of the blue, informs his wife that he’s filing for divorce because he’s not in love with her anymore. Where is the “reason” is in these scenarios? And let’s be perfectly clear, a good God (who is love) does not include things like this in his plan for your life. He will use them to be sure. He works ALL things together for good, but he does not instigate them to punish you or teach you something.

“It is what it is” is another way of saying, “Accept it because you’re not going to change it.” It abdicates your response-ability, your ability to choose your response. It’s remarkable that Malala Yousafzai didn’t say “It is what it is.” when describing the Taliban’s oppression in her village. When a masked gunman shot her in the face for speaking out for the education of young women, Malala survived and turned the tragedy in to a global movement.

The truth is, in a world full of broken people, life unexpected happens. Bad, uninvited things happen to good people everyday for no good reason at all. They are not part of God’s plan, but they are more than “…what it is.” They are opportunities to invite God to help you through it or help someone else through it and ask, “What do you want me to learn and who do you want me to become in this shitty situation?”

Bottomline, you will always be a victim of something or someone because life is hard, but you have a choice about whether or not you’re going to be victimized.

Resignation deadens your spirit. It compels you to live like a coward, hesitate, procrastinate, rationalize, make excuses, and ultimately live a more trivial, less fulfilling life. There is far more significance, satisfaction, and joy in being accountable for making things happen, even when you make mistakes, than there is in shrinking from your calling and rationalizing that it all falls “on Him up there.” It does fall on him. He brings strength to your weakness. But that is not an excuse to sit on your thumbs waiting for him to magically do something. He invites us to participate because They (Father, Son and Spirit) are relational to the core.

Fear regret more than you fear failure. Chose to be a victor over being a victim.

If the Trinity is anything to go by, God is relational to the core. He cherishes the mutual delight, shared love, adventure, and sheer enjoyment of being WITH you. Perhaps this is why he often allows you to come to the end of yourself. Your inability, coming to the end of your rope, is essential to discovering the Spirit’s life comforting, strengthening, and animating you. It is a beautiful dynamic.

But disbelief, disinterest, or distraction will blur that truth. Rushing through pain makes you miss it. You will flounder in frustration because you misinterpret the very events in life that can accelerate the process of making you whole. If we let them, the events in life offer an opportunity to refine us, but they don’t have to define us.

Living an epic life requires stepping out of your comfort zone and into the arena where things are awkward, scary, and hard. If you love deeply, you will be vulnerable to a broken heart. If you step onto enough “colosseum floors” in life, you will get your ass kicked.

When this happens, refuse to armor up and build more walls. Yes, the fortress or façade you build mitigates the pain, but it also mitigates the joy that comes from meaningful relationships and the confidence that comes from doing hard things.

There is no life in life without facing uncertainty, risk, and exposure.

Being right is highly overrated. It screws up more relationships and wastes more good weekends than we care to admit. Being right is about control, and control is an illusion.

Being wrong doesn’t make you less of a person. It just means you were wrong and shows the world you are human.

You don’t have to win every time. And, when you are right, maybe the world doesn’t need to know it right now.

The past is the past—water under the bridge. Wallowing in the mistakes of yesterday kills the opportunity and joy housed in today. Doing it the way you’ve always done it just because you are comfortable with what you know doesn’t facilitate your growth and maturity.

When you stop bringing something fresh and new to the game, complacency and stagnation take hold. Then, the game is over. Stop dwelling in the past or leaning on yesterday’s headlines. Get out of the comfort zone where true learning and courage happen.

The world is opening up after COVID. That said, many people still have a hard time getting out of the office, whether it be at home or downtown.  If you want to stay physically and mentally strong resist the urge to stay cooped up inside. Outdoor exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block, a quick bike ride or a short time in your backyard leads to feeling revitalized, energized and positively engaged.

Take in a sunrise or sunset, stand at the foot of a mountain or edge of a lake, or gather a few ideas from the neighbor’s landscaping. Simple things will put a cap on stir crazy. So, take time to get outside and be present to what you see.

We’ve said it a few times now: control is an illusion. If the pandemic didn’t prove that to us, we are not awake.

We agree with Byron Katie: “If you want real control; drop the illusion of control. Let life have you. It does anyway.” It doesn’t serve you to live in denial by telling yourself a story that it doesn’t.

When our daughters were in high school they learned that “friends,” whom they thought were loyal, could be competitive, mean and cunning. As a protective father and a typical guy who wanted to fix it, Kevin would listen, empathize and strategize with our girls. In the process, it was tempting to get wrapped around the emotional axel of trying to control an outcome. After all, you’re only as happy as your least happy child, right?

The odd thing was, after going on the emotional roller coaster with them, Kevin was blown away by the fact that one of the mean girls, who participated in some very unbecoming behavior, was having a sleepover with one of our girls. WTF! This girl, who was no longer welcome in our home, was back to being chummy with our daughter.

At this point, Kevin learned that control is an illusion and peace was found by not getting sucked into the drama, by refusing to get on the roller coaster.

What roller coasters are you on? Make this the year of getting off.